It has
been almost three weeks since my trip to Italy. Almost a month has
passed since Don Gius entered his eternal reward. I have been slow to
share this experience, in part because I've been busy, but also because
every time I have sat down to do it, I have found myself lacking the
words to do justice to the great movement of my heart in front of the
Mystery. Lacking the words, but not the desire to share thsi
experience, so here it goes.
The entire trip to Milan for Don Gius' funderal was a miracle and a
profound experience of preference. I still can't fathom how God can
love me so much and offer me such beatiful experiences when I am so
undeserving. It's ridiculous to sit and speculate about this, so my
only response is to be grateful, and to respond with my life. I desire
to live my life as the fruit of all these experiences and to stand like
a beggar with a deep awareness that he needs another, namely God, to
give him his happiness. Still, God doesn't act in an abstract way, he
is very concrete in the help he offers me if I am open to it. He
offers me help through the companionship of CL that I have encountered
which helps me take my life more seriously, which helps me to be
better. . . . more on this in a bit . . .
I left on Wednesday, February 23, the day after Don Gius died, from
Houston to New York where I landed far out on Long Island and took the
train to Kennedy International to board a flight to Italy. It was my
first trip to Europe. I was, naturally, excited, but I was also very
serious in front of this trip. I wasn't going to Italy out of some
sentimental attachment to Don Gius. In fact, I kept asking myself "Why
are you going?" in order to stay in front of my desire, why I wanted to
go.
Originally my idea for going was very simple: The movement has
taught me how to stand in front of life in a way that is more true than
how I had lived before, and I wanted to learn how to stand in front of
death. I also wanted to see in person the face of the Man through whom
I have received everything. I mean this sincerely, it has been Don
Gius's yes that has taught me how to love even my Parents, even
Christ. I had parents and Christ before I had Don Gius, but it has
been my education in the movement that has made these things, all
things really, take on a shape I had never expected, never thought
possible. Finally, I wanted to go to see the faces of my friends in
the movement, to see the faces of those who loved him, to see the faces
of those He loved and to recognize that this was Christ. I wanted to
be accompanied by Christ to the threshold of death.
When we arrived in Milan, we hurriedly travelled to Sacro Coure to
attend the last few minutes of the vigil of Don Gius before his body
was transferred to the Duomo, Milan's Cathedral, for the funeral.
Olivetta had arranged everything (she's amazing!) from our trips, to
getting into the vigil, to getting to the funeral. She was totally
attentive to us, to helping all of us Americans who would have been
lost in the language alone, much less navigating the streets of Milan.
At the Vigil we were taken straight into the Chapel, not even having
to wait in line, because we had travelled from so far away. Giorgio
Vittadini, the movement's visitor (a sort of overseer) to America, had
a special preference for the Americans who were at the funeral. When
we left the vigil we found out from his assistant that all of the
American's were given seats inside the Duomo for the funeral mass.
The mass itself was incredible. First, it was done in the Ambrosian
Liturgy, which was a beautiful experience, but also, the homily by
Cardinal Ratzinger and the letter of the Pope were very moving. I was
struck because of how personal they were. It wasn't a cerebral account
of the position of the mvoement in the Church, rather it was the
expression of a deep friendship and love. It was clear that the Holy
Father and Cardinal Ratzinger were saying good bye to a friend, that
is, someone with whom they shared the experience of loving Christ
together. It was very touching. Thankfully, Luca Grillo translated
the homily and interventions into English as we heard them in Italian.
Although I can understand about 99% of what I hear in Italian, I was
cold and tired in the Duomo (I think it was colder inside than
outside!) so relying on Luca was helpful.
After the mass we met outside and I got see my friends Luca and
Vittorio. They joined us for coffee and then dinner with Vita. Dinner
was incredible. Vita invited all the Americans to dinner at a place
owned by the Movement. The food was great, without a doubt, but the
real incredible part was the love Vita has for us, like a father,
helping us to make a judgement, not stop just at the experience, but to
understand what this experience means.
The conversation was incredible, but I will characterize it by what I learned.
1. Death is not the end. Of course I knew this. I don't think you
can be a Christian and not know this, this is what makes Christ who he
is. However, I still have a tendency to feel lost in front of death.
I don't have the certainty I desire, I doubt, I am afraid, I have a
tendency to step away. Yet, in the faces of my friends, in the face of
those I follow I saw a real certainty. Vita said "The explosion of Don
Gius has begun" and I understood in that moment that Don Gius had not
gone away, in fact, he is more present to us, his "I" is magnified more
intensely. The saints begin their work on Earth, but it really takes
root in heaven.
2. Don Gius taught me to see Christ. If I am faithful to his
memory, then I must try to live my life as he lived. This means I must
submit myself more to the experience and education of the Movement, to
put myself in front of life with the same desire, the same begging, the
same awareness of Don Gius. I must drink a glass of water like he
drinks a glass of water. This of course is not something of my own
effort, as if I could put in place the 12 step plan to self-recovery.
No, it means I must beg. I must beg, every moment of my life to see
how everything tends toward the Destiny.
3. Preference teaches us love. The experience of this weekend,
being aware of a preference for me, this actually made me love those
who were with me, those who were not, more than before. As I sat at
the vigil, and in teh Duomo I recalled one by one the faces of those I
loved. I offered this trip for them. I asked Don Gius to help them.
It was beautiful to see that even though many of the people I love I
knew before I met the movement, before I had heard of Don Giussani, I
am aware, more than ever on this weekend, that it has been my
experience in the Movement that has taught me to love them more than I
did before, that is, to love them more according their destiny. I am
very bad at this, but the fact that I even want to is a sign of the
change.
This trip was a miracle. It's almost impossible that I could have
gone. Yet I went, and on the way back I even got to fly first class.
But most of all this trip made it very clear to me: I have found a way
to live, in the movement, that is more authentic to my desires, to my
heart than anything else. The trip to Italy, to Don Gius, was like
going to the Sepulcher . . . to see the place where I have to stand in
awe and say "But he was dead and now he's alive." This is me. This is
my life in the Movement.
The Today Show invited Dr. Jonathan Haidt, the author of The Happiness Hypothesis to discuss what is real happiness, where happiness comes from (inside your head or from outside of your head), the importance of relationships with happiness, the question of suffering, and the meaning of life. A lot of it is self-fulfillment crap, but there is the fact they can't escape the truth, that happiness cannot be equal to pleasure, that happiness has a relationship with virtue, and that happiness is a presence. In fact I'm left struck by the correspondence with what they're saying and my experience. 
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